Alright, so this is going to be tough for those who feel obliged to read everything I write- please bear with me, it's the most boring story ever, but I seriously have to get it out of my system before it eats my head up completely.
I have to start right at the beginning. When I got to 7th grade, I was stuck into the coolest class of my school. We had people of every kind- the jerks, the potheads, the geeks (me included) and the shy people. I'm sure there were a hell more categories, but this'll do to sum it up. I wasn't really a geek, but it happened that I was the only one capable of languages, and maths wasn't so hard back then. I got all the good grades, and almost everyone around me failed.
I was also one of the youngest in class, next to a couple others. I was probably also the only one that thought that pot was boring. Why the hassle when there's acid? Exactly my attitude. Although, to clear things up, I was only an occasional drug-user back then. Not the junkie I was yet to become.
The potheads in my class were actually 8th graders who had failed the required classes and did an extra 7th. It's a basic school principle here, but to cut to the chase, they were simply set back to 7th grade as they didn't make it. They smoked joints and drank alcohol like nobody's business, which explains their grades in school. And they were the bomb, I mean, people looked up to them- greasy hair, dirty clothes, skateboards, oh man were they hot. I never fell for them that way because I considered them ugly and had begun masturbating to women, but hey, don't judge me, I was only a kid (Kidding. I still do it).
So in this class, there was this kid, let's call him H. This story is about him. I'm dedicating it to him because it's the basic example of what's so fucked up in our society, and it's what keeps me depressed every fucking day- and gives me hope to get on, all the time, every day and stop looking back. It's killing me because I was part of this game.
H. was the youngest in our class. He had ADD and everyone made fun of his uncoordinated, silly ways. He never listened and you had to shout his name up to 3 times for him to pay attention. You asked him a question and he almost fell apart stumbling to find the right words. He desperately tried to be cool and calm, but it was obvious that even the littlest differences in age could mean worlds: He was still a child at heart. I doubt he had even hit puberty at that time. And like all the other kids, he looked up to the cool guys.
The Potheads were eager to punish him for this devotion. They treated him like crap and laughed about him, but he didn't care as long as he was part of the group- which part he played, unimportant. They were his Disney land, and pot was his entrance fee.
One year later, I was pretty much at my low-point of drug use. I never told anyone, I was in hospital twice without anyone but one good friend knowing, my parents never talked to each other unless shouting and screaming and when I came home I went online pretending everything was fine, basically building up a second identity. Maybe I should mention all those people I lied and betrayed, tell them how sorry I am, but nothing could substitute the feeling of regret- I made it up to most people already, but the truth is, I am still devastated. Every now and then I'd let a word of truth slip out to my friends, wallow in self-pity, hate my life, especially my father, then drown again the next day in another dose of drug, all kinds of drugs. I'd never admit it, though, because I knew it was my weakness. I knew I couldn't, shouldn't do it.
I looked at all the other kids with disgust. Pot? Pot was my recreational phase from all the synthetic shit I pumped into my body. I didn't use it to get high, I used it to get down.
But still, I was in the same group of friends as H. We were a relatively large group of people, drug people, alcoholic people, stupid kids wanting out of this reality. H. had a hard time. We'd use him to get our pot, take his money, laugh about him, send him here, send him there. Get us beer, get us pot, move your ass- and he'd always come back because he had noone else. His family was too busy taking care of their newborn, his parents hating each other. Of course, I didn't know that back then. No one knew, he'd never had anyone to tell.
In 9th grade, I was still friends with these people. I was still smoking pot and I was still drinking alcohol, but things had become better. Every now and then I'd take a pill or snort a line- but it was minor shit.
In 10th grade, it started getting worse for me again- with all the bullshit at home and school being harder every day, I looked for a solution to my problems- and I found my boyfriend. A new group of friends. New interests, new problems. Well, things still sucked but at least I had some good loving and I didn't need the drugs to substitute that anymore (although I still smoked a joint every now and then and basically got drunk whenever I could).
But H.? He never made it out of there. Everyone around him started taking greater care of school. They were still Potheads, still assholes, but so what- they could deal. H. couldn't. He entered this whole thing as a kid- he developed a habit, an addiction, and by all means I can't tell you whether this addiction was to finally have some attention, or the drugs themselves. I'd vote for the first option if I had to.
And so it went on- my boyfriend broke up with me and I started the bad drugs again, ace, ecstacy- not telling anybody, as always, and not as bad as before and I had some control of it, but it put me in a really bad state of mind. My depression was vast, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I hated my school.
But things were different now. I wasn't a child anymore. I got myself back together, and although I'm still not completely over all these things, at least I don't even feel the urge to drink alcohol anymore.
H. lost his grip during 11th grade. We were still in the same class, but he hardly showed up. The Potheads split up, probably still got drunk and smoked shit all day, but they had enough will to continue school, to be responsible, to earn some money- basically deal with their lives like everyone else does. We now look back and call it "The rebellious old days"- aww, don't give me that crap, I know. It wasn't rebellious, it was stupid, and I'm the first one who'd tell you that.
But still, H. didn't see it that way. H. still wanted to prove how cool he is. Nevermind that everyone else already thought it was uncool, he continued trying. Continued smoking. And somehow, someway, I lost all touch to him. Only heard rumours every once in a while- he's selling now, or he's completely drunk again, or he's taking synthetic drugs now.
I didn't care. I was laughing along. What a stupid, stupid guy. But only now I do realize what happened.
He hardly showed up this year in classes. People started talking. Where is he? What is he doing? He wrote me a message the other day, "You weren't my friend, but you were not as bad as the rest of the pack. I just wanted to say goodbye, I'm going to die tomorrow".
I panicked. What the hell? He just can't go and.. do that, can he?
Shit, I really don't know how to tell this story.
We started IM'ing. I didn't convince him not to do it- in fact, I pushed him to do it. I said hey, look, get over it- do it or don't but don't bother me with this shit. Three weeks later, now, he's still alive, still talking to me. I visited him the other day- he has signed off from school, been to rehab, is drunk every day, his parents beat him up, he steals money, is sentenced for robbery, has no plan of his life, still wants to die, spends money on prostitutes, goes to stripclubs and look like your junkie-next-door.
He offered me coke, ace, ecs, I still don't know how I declined. I bought him a bottle of water, a pack of cigarettes, met him at home where I could witness the gruesome situation at home- wealthy parents that don't give a shit, H. high on whatever he's pumped into his veins, it killed me. What can you do about someone who's never learned to grow up? Who's stuck in a body of a 18 year old, but inside, is still a 7th grader?
It's really not his fault. He was a naive, nice boy. Not necessarily the man of your dreams, but a friend, with manners and morality. And hell is he intelligent. Now he reads from the bible, cites Jesus and calls everyone around him "his angels of sins". Waits for God to come and rescue him, and the next day he calls me up, crying, about how he's had a traumatizing dream- and the following three days he won't talk about anything else anymore. Traumatizing things.
Shit, I really don't know how to tell this story. It hurts me so much to see someone die this way. Die from the inside. Die from drugs, die from his so called friends to whom he always bounced back, out naivety, unknowingly of his own destiny. Scared of being along, scared of not getting enough attention. H. is not human anymore, he's just a shadow of a human being.
We all made it out of the jungle. All the other kids went by pretty well, some better and some worse. Even the best fall down sometimes, but they get up, and who didn't do shit when they were young?
But he was too young. And now these are the consequences. I give him another 2 years, max. If he makes it until then, it won't be a pleasure, and if he doesn't, if he really decides to kill himself, then everyone's going to remember him as the junkie, the jerk, the stupid silly naive shitty little boy that smelled.
I can only shake my head when I look back. What I would've done differently? I don't know. I'd tried to tell him once before, in 9th grade, that he was going down, steep, but he never wanted to hear that. I wanted to be the hero, the one that rescues him. But what do you do when you conclude that there's no other way out but suicide?
If I was him, I'd do it.
skysurfer - Nov 15, 22:58
My family is falling apart. We keep fighting, especially about money issues. My dad is broke, I know that. Everyone knows that. But from all of the people in the world, my mom's the one who doesn't deserve it.
I woke up today to the sound of my dad's voice, screaming and actually... crying. I mean, really heart-wrenching if it wasn't so disgusting. He's been an asshole to me, but I understand his mood isn't the brightest.
But whatever it is, we can't do anything about it. My brother keeps spending money on shit that noone needs, doesn't get his life working... jumps from one job to the next, never doing anything about his education.
As for me, I don't have the time for a job- my schedule doesn't allow. And yet I need an income or I'll have to rely on my parents for ever-- be it my mobiles bill or a new car or whatever the fuck it is. Even clothes. Or food. And the worst? I can't pay for extra-maths classes, which I really desperately need to get going. I don't want to fail. It would be horrible.
So my mom, she's working her ass off, all day all night, but it's never enough. University is taking up all her time. I don't know how she can afford it, but she does. Yet not much longer than this. She's hurrying to get it done and make her doctor, but how long can our finances allow? Noone is going to employ my father- he's a smart guy who knows his business, but he's arrogant, shallow and too proud to be employed in a second-rate job- and the good stuff is taken by all the young people.
I'm not complaining about the lack of money.. of course, I'm not the wealthiest person in the world, but I can live without D&G jeans or expensive trips to Paris. What makes me choke on life is the fact that my parents aren't happy, that my family is suffering from the stress it's causing. Add mine and my brother's accidents, the cap repair, the insurance, my driver's licence, everything- deep shit I tell you.
This is why I don't want to grow up. I simply can't afford it.
skysurfer - Oct 25, 17:41
I don't normally do the meme-thing, but I loved this one that I found over at Avi's, and I'm bored, and I feel shitty because I had a car accident just a few hours ago and I'm still waiting for my dad to come home and tear my ass open a couple metres..
1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode.
Right now? My father. Better dead than living (and kicking the hell outta me).
2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
Oh God, there are too many! But I'd probably pick Depeche Mode. Or REM. And definitely Christina Aguilera.
3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
My brother. He's the biggest asshole in the world right now.
4. What is your favorite cheese?
The type of cheese that's in cheesecake.
5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?
Anything my mom made. Mom's sandwiches are the best.
6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?
Good question... Right now I'd take
Justin Bartha, he's so delicious... I can't help but like geeky looking guys. Though it's a question of perspective, he doesn't look so geeky on that picture..
(Are we talking girls, too? Because then it's Jen. I'm getting over her, a little, I think, but I'd still take her).
7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?
Hmm... honestly, I can't think of anyone. Maybe Lloyd Banks. Heh.
8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy crap, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
A bottle of vodka, two packs of cigarettes, a gram of weed and a room for the night with Pay-TV.
9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
Sweet. I'll go to Sydney, Australia.
10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?
A bottle of vodka, cigarettes, a hooker and a tent.
11. A demon rises out of Hell and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is...?
Well, is that before I bought the vodka? Because then I'd buy something else with my 100 bucks. In any case, the answer is vodka.
12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?
I'm going to go back to the days were the Bible was written, and on the first page write "To redeem your sins, every month write a check of 5$ to [my adress today]". This way, I won't ever have a problem again.
And if that doesn't work, I'll go to the day I was born and make sure the babys are mixed up.
13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
Okay, the first rule is: No junk shit. Everything has to be deluxe. Deluxe food, deluxe TV, deluxe cars, deluxe deluxe. Everything.
14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise?
I'd call it "Asshole Factory" and show the characteristics of what makes an asshole and how to avoid being an asshole. Every show, there'll be another face and another flaw to be corrected. I'm a little utopic that way, if you know what I mean.
15. What is your favorite curse word?
Fuck. But I vary it sometimes. In German, I say "Ficken", which translates to "fucking". It's pretty random.
16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?
That is one stupid question. I'd be scared to death, then I'd check them out if they're hot enough for a gang bang or something. I'd tape and sell it to a big porn producer. "Mummies Gone Wild".
17. Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the item?
My W810i. I can call everyone I know to tell them of the fire, then relax and listen to music while I take pictures of it. But nevermind the question, I'll also take my favourite book, "The Star's Tennisballs" by Stephen Fry.
18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?
Have sex. If I can't find anyone to have sex with, masturbate and then buy some H or Crystal and headshot myself into a coma.
19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be?
I'd really like to be invisible-on-command. That'd be nice. I could check into a plane, fly to L.A., stalk Jennifer Garner, look what she really likes to do in her life, all her interests and so on, then I'd randomly meet her on the street and become her friend and be her perfect partner because I'd know everything she wanted in a person. So much for being over her.
20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
Any day in which my mom was in a good mood. I wouldn't care which half hour. It must be so long ago that I don't even remember. I really wish she was happy again.
21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
Depending on how my dad's going to react, probably today. I'm still waiting for him to come home and punish me.
22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool stuff... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin'! What country are you going to live in now?
Definitely Australia, and if I get kicked out there, too, I'll be supervising my island in Micronesia.
23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?
Bam, I don't know.. Probably the Pig's 'n Pipes bar around the block.
24. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like "Dude, check it out... I can FLOAT!"?
Two weeks ago, I would've said I would just float downstairs to my brothers room or down the street to Phil's house, but now I'd choose Tecker or someone else. I wouldn't really care at all.
25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
Hitler... I think that would be interesting.
26. The Gates of Hell have opened, and Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
My grandpa. I'd like to get to know him.
27. What's your theme song?
Teitur, "Rough Around The Edges"..
Adios muchachos, wish me luck for ... the rest of my life.
It's really funny, my life. I have a car right now sitting on the street, waiting for me, and I have a driver's licence and it's all cool. I am finally 18- I could do whatever the fuck I wanted - and just have my kicks, I don't have too much of school stressing going on right now at the moment, either.
I have a little money to spare and a new mobile that actually works so I can call people.
Except, you know what really sucks? I don't have anyone to call. My brother stole my only real friend, Phil. I knew they'd like each other, but I never knew they'd like each other at this rate. And when it all started it was okay, because I was the only person initiating all the things we did, like clubbing or going some place. But now, P. doesn't call me anymore. If my brother wasn't living with us still, I probably wouldn't see either of them anymore.
P. and I, we have mutual friends, people we used to hang out with together, and now he's taking my brother along to hang out with MY friends. And my brother isn't so hot on taking his little sister with him all the time.
I love him. I really do. But he's an asshole and he is a loser who's waisting his goddamn life. Now he's sucking P. into this hole of waste along, going to strip clubs and getting their money done with poker. Then, when they're broke, they go to donate plasma, for 15 bucks the litre. And they get really sick and weak for a couple hours and then they go back doing shots and driving drunk and stoned.
It pisses me off that they have started ignoring me, like I'm just the little pain in the ass. I wish I could just beat them up. I can't even get them out of my sight because, haha, both of them live here (P. spends most of his days here). I'm thinking about what would've happened if P and I had been dating at some point, would my brother still have acted that way?
So now I'm sitting here, and I really don't know what to do because it hurts so much being betrayed by your own brother. It's not the first time this shit happens. If I had to count all my former best friends, there would be about 5/8 that went to spend another joyous life with my brother. Great huh? Pretty much all of my girlfriends fell in love with him. He's at a good rate, isn't he. And the problem is, I can't even blame him. For what? For being a good sport, for being a nice guy and for having fun with?
And I can't choose who Im more pissed at.. him or P. P. had the choice of turning his back on me and it made him the worst friend in the entire universe, even though it's my brother he hangs out with now. And we never even talked about it. On the other hand, I can't blame him for turning on me. He told me many times that he would like more than a relationship, and if that's the only way to deal with me saying no, then this has to be it. But there really isn't much of that physical distance given.
Whatever. I'm feeling pretty lonely and left out right now because they've gone with two of my other friends to eat out in this cool restaurant. No word on whether I'd like to come along or not. Not that I'd really want to anyway but it would've been nice to ask.
Well, well... I guess I can strike off another country off my "visited" list; Czechia was a success, more or less. I went cheap shopping (which wasn't all that cheap) at some Asia market there. It was pretty funny, I went to Czechia and all I saw was Japs trying to sell me something. Priceless.
And in any case, I didn't even buy anything I wanted, not to mention the fact that I majorly bought stuff for my brothers and half of the money was blown out for cigarettes.
The driving went bad. I'd been doing good so far and as soon as it gets serious, I forget how to fucking shift gears. You might think that's not so much of an issue, but it really is when you're in 5th, going at 160 km/h and trying to get through a 30 km/h curve. My driving teacher almost died, she really was about to cross herself.
Everything else was alright, I never knew how much fun speeding on the Autobahn could be. I was in a complete rush.
Then, last night, I went along with my brother for a game of Texas Hold 'Em (cash game). I was quite intimidated since I was playing the "pro's", and I've only been doing poker for like, what, 4 weeks? And I haven't won more than a meal at McDonald's so far. I played really carefully and pam, after 4 hours and 10 invested bucks, I went out the game with 50 damn €uro. Success.
I was just about to order an Ipod with all my saved up money. Then Sunday came. And Sunday was/is a wasted day. Waste of time, waste of energy and most importantly, waste of money.
The money I won at the poker game.
It's a really long story, but to cut it short, I went driving with Phil on a driving court in my bro's car, the car completely crashed AND some idiot bumped into us, and I had to pay money for the court AND the cigarettes AND the food we had to eat in order to survive the shocks. Oh, and fuel. Damn fucking fuel.
Tomorrow's school again, and I feel like minus a million dollar. I'll be sleeping like a stone, I tell ya.
skysurfer - Sep 17, 22:05
The following plan: I'm going to lock myself up for the whole weekend. I will only occasionally leave the room to take a shit and maybe (but only maybe) shower. Every three hours I'm going to order a party pizza, a bottle of Vodka and a bucket of Hägen Dasz. And maybe (but only maybe) KFC chicken wings.
I will not talk to anyone or anything. Except if it's on the internet, so I will most likely leave my room anyway. But only to take a shit, a possible shower and to molest little children on MySpace. NO EXCEPTIONS.
There is a slight chance I might even finish all my school tasks.
A slight chance, you know, when I'm done reading everything I've already read before, and I'll read it again. I'm a procrastinator like that.
The aim? I'm going to quit smoking. I haven't bought a new pack in two days, which is awesome because I am smoking for free at school, which is the only place I'm smoking anyway. Today I made it to class without smoking, even, but the morning cigarette's lack hurt so much I had to smoke two in the following break. I know, bad. But I'm trying hard to get rid of it. It stinks, it's expensive and all my friends are tools. To change your environment, you have to change yourself. That's what I'm doing.
Either that or I'm dying of lung cancer.
