This is one of these posts I wouldn't dare to publish on a relatively known blog. Maybe one of these days I'll tell my friends everything about me, but just right now, it seems like all they can do is raise their eyebrows and look at me as if I'm a ho. Not to mention the teachers who still have my URL (don't ask me HOW they got it, but sometimes they approach me saying "hey good job, I like your writing" and I totally freak out. Particularly during my L-Word obsession. I'm not just a weirdo, I'm officially gay, too. Way to screw my grades!).

About a week ago some friends of my parents stopped by for lunch, and they brought along their son, my Permanent Crush from the age of 9 until I was about 13. I didn't see him often, so every two months I'd fall in love again. He is two years older than me, and we would only get to see each other on big family or Syrian or Islam gatherings. You know, the cultural bullshit I'd pay money to avoid.

He's Half American, Half Syrian, living in Germany- he deals with the same shit as I do, partly ignorant parents who want him to be a perfect Muslim (much like his two older siblings are- Jehovas Witnesses couldn't be more fanatic). This is what brought us closer in the first place, and the chronic absence of my older brother who still went to boarding school back then.

When I was 15, we were hanging outside of a building where 30 or 40 families celebrated the end of Ramadan. He bored the crap out of me and I think I wasn't helping the situation, so one thing led to another and we had a good loving in his brother's car. It was tense and exciting, and to know I got someone I used to want- pushed me way up on the ego scale. He's decent looking and smells good and knows how to make a girl enjoy herself.

Ever since, whenever we saw each other and couldn't fight the urge to kill boredom, we'd fuck. He is an arrogant player and really doesn't give a shit about whether I'm having a good time or not, and it's exactly this attitude that gives me the kinks. No foreplay, no fussing- just hitting it. I don't know if he ever noticed how good he is, I'm not a big moaner, but he is 2nd place on my Top 7 list of people I've slept with.

Two years ago, I randomly met him in Syria- his first time in Damascus- and we spent 6 weeks together. Six weeks, and I don't know the smallest detail of his private life. Sure, the music and movies he likes, some of his dreams- but we were usually pretty caught up. Once, we tried to have a threesome with an American chick who lives one flat beneath us in Damascus, but she was knocked out after the first round of shots and so fucking was no option. I don't mind it didn't happen-- if the first experience with a girl is going to be a threesome, my life is determined to suck.

Anyway- when I met him last week, he told me that now he's done with school and going to leave for Australia. Surprisingly, he asked if I would like a date with him before he leaves. I was irritated, because we had never been on the level of dating. I agreed, and last night we met. We had a drink, and he spilled out something I would've never even dared to assume: He loves me. He said he couldn't stop thinking of me- last time we saw each other was March, and ever since he's just out of his mind because he's leaving so soon.

He took my hands, looked into my eyes and said, "Sara- I'm not asking you to wait for me. Just please don't forget there's someone who wants, and needs you. And maybe when I come back, we're both ready for a relationship." Or something along these lines, anyway.

I felt completely exhausted. Not because of his confession, but because there's nothing even close to love that I feel for him. Nothing. And there's absolutely noone else either.. except.. maybe.. but that's another story.

We went outside of the bar and started to kiss. And ended up in his car again. I feel guilty, but he actually thanked me afterwards. Okay, fellas, if there's one thing you really shouldn't say after a quickie, it's thank you. She'll feel like a cheap whore, although I understood where he was coming from. It was saying goodbye to an old friend, and it was also saying goodbye to an old part of me- the part that doesn't know shit about guys and relationships. Hey, now there's more space for the part of me who has no fucking clue what I want. Life's a bitch.

It wasn't a sad date. It was sweet and comfortable, and he isn't devastated at all- no pity me scene, no "please come with me", nothing like that. We both know we're no relationship material, at least for now we're not, and that there are plenty other things to care about. It's kind of the same situation with The Company, the guy I hang out with almost every day. I know he wants to be with me romantically - he told me- but I drew a line. There's no chemistry, so why play it out? And as opposed to what I did with Permanent Crush, The Company and I stopped having sex or anything else altogether. There's enough fuss already.

I really think it's time to fall in love again.