I'm done watching Alias. It was a weird experience. First they die, then they live, then they die again- first they're good, then they're bad, then they're good, then they're bad again... it's a drag if you ask me. And I probably would've stopped watching mid season 4 if it wasn't for the fact that I'd already downloaded all of the episodes. And of course, Jennifer Garner, my new love interest. Seriously. I'm going to LA if only to check this chick out for real.
But anyway, I'm kind of relieved it's done. Nevermind the sloppy ending, I can now go to sleep without having to think about what is going to happen next. Nothing worse than anticipation. But also-- nothing better, right?
So, yeah. My life is compeltely empty now again. What a pity-- I can't wait til Veronica Mars is finished downloading. Maybe I'll have another addiction. I really need this obsession to get over the fact that the rest of my life that doesn't involve fiction is the biggest bullshit I've ever seen.
I have never really been into chocolate. Particulary because I treat my teeth like shit and the pain reminds me of it every time I have something even remotely sweet... even salty stuff hurts. No really, it does. But sometimes I get a craving and that's when I'll have to deal with this crap. I'll get me some cheap stuff and just stuff it up inside of me. I always feel like throwing up afterwards. Why chocolate when you can have a blood dripping steak (can you see Homer Simpson in front of you? I certainly do when I look into the mirror).
Despite that, there was a time when I'd gladly spend some of my hard earned, uhm, pocket money-- anyway, I'd buy me a chocolate bar any given day at school because it was actually that delicious. It was one of my very least favourite bars, you know Mars? Right. I could go with Snickers sometimes, but Mars is disgusting. Too creamy-caramel, and too much sugar. WAY too much. Even for the craving. Except, they made it with almonds back then.
I wasn't exactly happy, you know? But when I think back to these times where school was just a bore and merely a way to gather my friends all around me, that bar of chocolate always pops into my mind, how I'd really enjoy standing in line for five minutes, just to eat it, enjoy it.
And then they stopped making it. I don't know why... it never occured to me to ask the company, either. Why would I? It's not as if they'd start making it again. And maybe I wouldn't want to know the reason anyway. I do believe it was the beginning of my personal dilemma. You just can't take away a girl's favourite chocolate bar.
I am on fucking vacation. Not only do I have the right, but also the duty to stay up all night and sleep in til afternoon. That's simply the rule of it.
And it's not as if that would bother anyone! I'm just sleeping. Just. Sleeping.
But every goddamn morning, my mother storms into my room and leaves my door open and the lights on, "GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT!". Or my father decides he really desperately needs to hoover the carpet.
And the most annoying thing? My friends. Dude! What the hell is going on, every morning someone calls to ask me what I'm up to. DUDE. ITS ONLY 10 AM. FUCK OFF. What's with them, are they some sort of Zombies?
So tomorrow's my last day of sleeping in, and I'm going to put headphones on, lock my room up, take out the lightbulbs and every phone's battery. I already sold the hoover on Ebay. I'm so going to sleep in until I wake up on my own. And if I don't wake up.... well, even better.
I have one unbearable weakness that NO one knows about. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but in fact it's become a monstrum in my head and so I feel like I should better keep this inside of me until I can actually live my dream.
As you know, I'm quite the urban type of person. I need big cities filled with CO2 pestered air, reeking hobos, shopping miles, tourists, mixed cultures, traffic jams on the nearby highways caused by commuters, nightlife, concerts, parks, skyscrapers, cafés, bars, I simply need everything in a large variety. It doesn't matter if in my lifetime I won't even leave my block- only the thought that I could do so and take in new moments on every corner, it gives me chills up and down my spine. I need that. It's because I'm bored and I'm far away from creative, so other people have to fill this incredibly large void inside of me.
This is why I'm more or less dying in this town. Forty five thousand people and 20 schools, that's just about what we have. Sure, we have cafés and bars and two theatres, but it doesn't really count. If a city doesn't have a 24/7 McDonald's, it's not good for me.
And here comes my weakness. I am totally in love with the United States. I don't know why it bothers me so much- I've been to most large cities on either side of the continent, from Boston to Miami, from Seattle to LA, Chicago, Detroit. I must say I was a little younger back then, but I knew right on the spot that my favourite place on earth has to be San Francisco. I've never seen a comparable city, although Stuttgart, here in Germany, is a close call.
In any other case, I really detest the USA. Shitty, not really your role model democrats and politics isn't it?, overpriced everything, lack of education (at least 4 in 10 Americans that I've met the problems were evident- but don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the USA are generally dumb), false dreams and idealizing the wrong things, stupid Hollywood movies, no social insurance, heavy bigotery, racism.. the list is endless. But instead of boykotting this country, it attracts me. Americans attract me, simple as that. If you're American (and have nice attributes), you're likely to screw me. High chances, pal.
From all of the cities, I liked LA the least. It's exactly this city that draws me in the most. Don't ask me why. Animal magnetism, or maybe all of the hotties, maybe being close to fame- I'm a suck up like that - however, it's my dream to live there at least for a couple of years while I'm still young.
But hush, I wouldn't tell anyone.. I'm a rebellious punk, and I like communism. I gotta take care of my reputation.
I blame you for everything going wrong in my life. I blame you for drinking too much and then spilling out my deepest secrets. I blame you for being the cause for these secrets. I blame you for pretending I didn't remember anything, and I blame you from damaging the only working friendships I've had (on a full account, two) just because you took control over me.
I blame you for being a bitter person, for not enjoying sex, for not being in love, for being in love but not wanting it, for longing for someone but rejecting everyone, from being cold and distanced, from feeling unneeded.
I blame you for looking like a 12 year old geeky boy, I blame you for hitting my knees, toes and elbows on anything that I pass, you are the reason why my teeth aren't perfectly white and why I'll be wrinkled by the age of 23. I blame you for this horrible voice of mine, for the high pitched laugh and for all the people I've scared away with it.
I blame you for being not successful in any part of life, for being broke, for not watching news, for smoking, for simply everything that's gone and going wrong. I blame you for being just too gay to be true - in a literal sense, really - and for wishing my family dead just so they will not be hurt anymore by you.
I know your intentions, you bitch. You want to destroy my soul. I don't want to be you. And so I'm saying goodbye. Fuck off you rotten piece of horse meat.
Yours truly,
What's Left Of Me
PS: I gotta tell you though, it's a good thing you got the new Alias season. It's a killer. And I have to say, by all means, you do have a great taste in women.
Just some random stuff that is happening right now:
Driving: I passed my drivers licence theory this morning. I nearly didnt, but I did. Which means Im going to get drunk tonight.
Relationships: Still not in love, who would've guessed. But The Company seems to like me alot more than I had thought. Flattering, maybe, but also a guilty pleasure. His parents are on vacation for a week and he has been out of town for his job, so he left me the keys to the house, cigarettes, alcohol and 80 bucks. Dude.. either we're really close friends or he wants to screw me forever. And that is not going to happen, because last time I tried I broke down and went pretty emotional on him (and he was really sweet about it). It just doesn't feel right. Maybe I'm gay after all.
Friends: Im currently sticking to Tecker and The Company. Everyone else is crossed off my friends list, deception/betrayal as well as lack of trust for reasons. I just can't cope with buttheads right now.
School: School starts Monday and out of principle, I'll be grumpy for two months. I share classes with my asshole ex-boyfriend, just one of these obnoxious people that I'd rather see on the "recently died in Iraq" status. Not to mention all the other stupid kids, let alone the teachers. And the homework. And the hours spent on revising. No, I certainly didn't miss school.
Money: Well, I was broke until I sold a motorbiking suit that had cost me 10 bucks for 80 € on Ebay. Eighty fucking Euro. That is 80 times more than I originally had. Dude. Awee-some.
Alias: Download still not done, but I found this uber super cute Jen Garner interview from the beginnings of the show. She is the woman of my dreams (right after Leisha Hailey and recently also Nelly Furtado)- talk about being gay.
Other stuff: Please check out I Will Call You. This is the most creative project I've spotted so far on the 'net, and man I've seen a lot of things believe me. This really nice guy, MJ, simply calls you and talks to about.. well, stuff. Majorly about how surprised you are that he actually called you. Just for fun. A little bit like postcardx.net but without postcards. Duh.
Anyway, I talked to him and he mentioned me on his website- he is really great and a fun guy to talk to. Unfortunately, I was drunk and giddy so he probably thought I was a freak, but in any case go check it out and have someone call you up.
I'd love to be the lead singer of Fuel, except I'm a girl and I can't sing, but I'd really love to be. He's also kinda cute so that'd give me an advantage to my current situation, too.
I'd be happy enough if I could make stuff like this using Flash, but it's not happening either.
Two nights ago I finished watching S3 of Alias, and it left my terrified of what's going to happen next. I am officially in love with Sidney Bristow. Then I found out they wrapped the show up, there's no season beyond #5.
Shows make me pity my life because they're so much better than this. Maybe I should just stop watching this crap, and things will get better again.
Haha. One week until school. I'm still stoned from the joint I smoked.. err.. like, two minutes ago. I'm wrecking my mind.
