Let It Die
I don't think anyone reads this shit anymore. So I can just as well go ahead and write whatever is on my mind. Just get it off my head.
Things are the way they have always been. No doubt, the climate changes and I listen to different music, but the subjects, the topics- they're all the same. I thought I had passed the phase of ugly puberty, where everything is hell and you feel unloved and you want to kill yourself or at least dye your hair black and listen to Dashboard Confessional. But I haven't. I haven't passed anything. I'm still there, same old, same old.
Take this, for example: I'm mad. I'm fucking disappointed and I am putting all the blame on one person, yet again, as always. I sit here and wait for a phone call, all day and all night long. I can hardly do anything else, because fuck knows how cold my brain's gonna freeze if I miss it. So I wait. And I keep waiting. And it's unlike anything I've ever felt, this sheer disappointment, this anger and the unfuckingbelievable pain that is in my heart. Because of that one person that is just not here, and not calling.
And not showing up when they promise to. Meanwhile, I'm here and thinking of them and making them mixtapes and looking forward to the next time we'll see each other, and I'm dreaming of them and I'm trying not to think about how it is when we used to .... do whatever together, and I'm fucking doing their homework and what I get in return is nothing. By all means, everyone with an IQ higher than the retardation limit would now pack their things and leave this crappy relationship, but of course, I'm still here, and I'm not letting it die. And that's why I'm so mad, anyway. It's because I'm letting everyone abuse me as usual, and I'm being nice because I'm the most emotional piece of shit.
So I try to be cold, to be rejecting, but so what? Either they'll be pissed at me - and that'd hurt - or they wouldn't care enough to bother. I know we're friends, but it's always an individual conception of things. I'm head over heels. They're just a little interested. Does it hurt to knows this? Yes, it does. It hurts a lot. Can I do anything about it? I try.
And again, the ultimate resolution follows: I hate people. I have lost hope in the human kind. I don't want to have friends anymore. I want to be distanced. I want to be away.
I feel like it's enough right now.
Things are the way they have always been. No doubt, the climate changes and I listen to different music, but the subjects, the topics- they're all the same. I thought I had passed the phase of ugly puberty, where everything is hell and you feel unloved and you want to kill yourself or at least dye your hair black and listen to Dashboard Confessional. But I haven't. I haven't passed anything. I'm still there, same old, same old.
Take this, for example: I'm mad. I'm fucking disappointed and I am putting all the blame on one person, yet again, as always. I sit here and wait for a phone call, all day and all night long. I can hardly do anything else, because fuck knows how cold my brain's gonna freeze if I miss it. So I wait. And I keep waiting. And it's unlike anything I've ever felt, this sheer disappointment, this anger and the unfuckingbelievable pain that is in my heart. Because of that one person that is just not here, and not calling.
And not showing up when they promise to. Meanwhile, I'm here and thinking of them and making them mixtapes and looking forward to the next time we'll see each other, and I'm dreaming of them and I'm trying not to think about how it is when we used to .... do whatever together, and I'm fucking doing their homework and what I get in return is nothing. By all means, everyone with an IQ higher than the retardation limit would now pack their things and leave this crappy relationship, but of course, I'm still here, and I'm not letting it die. And that's why I'm so mad, anyway. It's because I'm letting everyone abuse me as usual, and I'm being nice because I'm the most emotional piece of shit.
So I try to be cold, to be rejecting, but so what? Either they'll be pissed at me - and that'd hurt - or they wouldn't care enough to bother. I know we're friends, but it's always an individual conception of things. I'm head over heels. They're just a little interested. Does it hurt to knows this? Yes, it does. It hurts a lot. Can I do anything about it? I try.
And again, the ultimate resolution follows: I hate people. I have lost hope in the human kind. I don't want to have friends anymore. I want to be distanced. I want to be away.
I feel like it's enough right now.
skysurfer - Jun 3, 14:08
