I passed my mom's bedroom tonight, and I heard she was listening to some old Train song on TV, which got me thinking, hey, since when does your mom listen to (rather) new pop music. Or in fact, since when does she listen to any music at all?

Which reminded me that I haven't paid that much attention to her or her life in a long time. Actually, I haven't paid that much attention ever since I hit the age of 11, where things kind of went down for me.

It got me thinking. All that happened, I mean, it all got my head worked up really bad. The gross thing about it? Nothing really changed around me, but I know that inside, I'm a completely different person.

As soon as I hit puberty, I laid down any rules and moral standards I knew, despite having grown up in the worst scenario you could imagine: Relatively strict parents in a Western country. Not Iraq and not North Korea, but fucked up enough for me.

I took drugs and pumped everything possibly labeled as "bad" into my body; I got drunk and threw up on the pavement, I played along with the "big guys", having shots and girl fights and throwing fits on ace and doing random shit; sleeping out on the street, skinny dipping into the lake, shoplifting, hanging with the "gangsters", line after line, joint after joint- got drunk so bad I ended up in the hospital, I was the worst friend you could imagine. Sleeping through school and sneaking out at nights, sex with two people at the same time, and I'm talking about rumours here- because me, certainly, I can't remember anything of that. I just heard it. "Looks, that's S., let's see how fast we get her drunk and done tonight!"

Yep, that's me. I'd toy around with guns, play with fire, cut myself, beat little kids up and shout at elderly people. I'd go to concerts and everyone would back away from me because I was the dirtiest of them, I'd punch and pull hair and kick everyone, just because it's called moshing. Fuck the music.

Or, goddamn, cars! We'd jump right into them, 14 years old and no licence and not even close to legal, I'd hit the gas and speed away on the freeway, completely under the influence. Breaking into peoples backyards to hit our bongs right there, next to the fluorescent light of the swimming pool and in it, our reflections and then just jump right into it, with clothes, without clothes, who cares.

Spin the bottle, Aids, rape, who cares? Mugging people in the subway, breaking bottles at the stations, running away from the cops, spraying the landscape, pissing on sideways. That's the girlfriend you would really wanna have, dont you all?

And nowadays.. where do I start? I'm afraid of driving faster than 30 mp/h, I haven't been drunk in ages, my last sex is 3 months ago and I could never even bring the word "gay" beyond my head. I shower every day and I listen to Jack Johnson while fantasizing about Australia. I tutor kids at school and I'm having good grades. I don't lie to my parents all that shamelessly anymore, at least I feel bad when I do so. My diet is healthy, I'm not as broke as I could be and I'm taking care of my older brother while he's screwing up his life big ghetto style. Being out after 11PM frightens me, I dream of having six children and.. just a normal goddamn life.

I'm sitting in the theater or I'm reading a book, or in the rare occasions when I'm out at a bar, discussing Nietzsche or Freud with my so sophisticated friends, I look out of the windows and I see fourteen year olds staggering down the street with empty bottles in their hand and a lit fag in their mouth and I feel like I belong right there, right with the dirt, gimme all that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling as if I'm missing out on something. It's just that I miss my old self, you know? I know back then I just had to take some risks to fight the loneliness and the black shadows that surrounded me, those that I created on my very own. It's not so long ago that this fog lifted and I can see clearer. I don't feel particularly better, but at least I do see why I'm feeling so dried out and tired...

Well, whatever. Just sayin'.