I have one unbearable weakness that NO one knows about. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but in fact it's become a monstrum in my head and so I feel like I should better keep this inside of me until I can actually live my dream.

As you know, I'm quite the urban type of person. I need big cities filled with CO2 pestered air, reeking hobos, shopping miles, tourists, mixed cultures, traffic jams on the nearby highways caused by commuters, nightlife, concerts, parks, skyscrapers, cafés, bars, I simply need everything in a large variety. It doesn't matter if in my lifetime I won't even leave my block- only the thought that I could do so and take in new moments on every corner, it gives me chills up and down my spine. I need that. It's because I'm bored and I'm far away from creative, so other people have to fill this incredibly large void inside of me.

This is why I'm more or less dying in this town. Forty five thousand people and 20 schools, that's just about what we have. Sure, we have cafés and bars and two theatres, but it doesn't really count. If a city doesn't have a 24/7 McDonald's, it's not good for me.

And here comes my weakness. I am totally in love with the United States. I don't know why it bothers me so much- I've been to most large cities on either side of the continent, from Boston to Miami, from Seattle to LA, Chicago, Detroit. I must say I was a little younger back then, but I knew right on the spot that my favourite place on earth has to be San Francisco. I've never seen a comparable city, although Stuttgart, here in Germany, is a close call.

In any other case, I really detest the USA. Shitty, not really your role model democrats and politics isn't it?, overpriced everything, lack of education (at least 4 in 10 Americans that I've met the problems were evident- but don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the USA are generally dumb), false dreams and idealizing the wrong things, stupid Hollywood movies, no social insurance, heavy bigotery, racism.. the list is endless. But instead of boykotting this country, it attracts me. Americans attract me, simple as that. If you're American (and have nice attributes), you're likely to screw me. High chances, pal.

From all of the cities, I liked LA the least. It's exactly this city that draws me in the most. Don't ask me why. Animal magnetism, or maybe all of the hotties, maybe being close to fame- I'm a suck up like that - however, it's my dream to live there at least for a couple of years while I'm still young.

But hush, I wouldn't tell anyone.. I'm a rebellious punk, and I like communism. I gotta take care of my reputation.

To my other personality:

I blame you for everything going wrong in my life. I blame you for drinking too much and then spilling out my deepest secrets. I blame you for being the cause for these secrets. I blame you for pretending I didn't remember anything, and I blame you from damaging the only working friendships I've had (on a full account, two) just because you took control over me.

I blame you for being a bitter person, for not enjoying sex, for not being in love, for being in love but not wanting it, for longing for someone but rejecting everyone, from being cold and distanced, from feeling unneeded.

I blame you for looking like a 12 year old geeky boy, I blame you for hitting my knees, toes and elbows on anything that I pass, you are the reason why my teeth aren't perfectly white and why I'll be wrinkled by the age of 23. I blame you for this horrible voice of mine, for the high pitched laugh and for all the people I've scared away with it.

I blame you for being not successful in any part of life, for being broke, for not watching news, for smoking, for simply everything that's gone and going wrong. I blame you for being just too gay to be true - in a literal sense, really - and for wishing my family dead just so they will not be hurt anymore by you.

I know your intentions, you bitch. You want to destroy my soul. I don't want to be you. And so I'm saying goodbye. Fuck off you rotten piece of horse meat.

Yours truly,
What's Left Of Me

PS: I gotta tell you though, it's a good thing you got the new Alias season. It's a killer. And I have to say, by all means, you do have a great taste in women.